Restless

Sleeping sober is a fairly new concept to me. My body doesn’t know what to do. It assumes we must be on our way to doing something to compromise our sense of reality and if not there must be something wrong.
It suddenly occurred to me that there were other reasons why I might have started taking codeine again. Other than the overwhelmingly major factor that I gravitate towards the state of fucked upness. I suffer from insomnia and restless legs. The only ways I’ve managed to remedy these pesky conditions is with drugs. Either direct from the good doctor in the form of gabapentin, or acquired from one (or, most likely, many) of the wonderful chemists dotted around my part or the city.
Last night, for the first time in months, I got attack of the restless legs. And arms. I get restless arms too. Sounds like bullshit but it isn’t. Look it up. It exists and I have it and it’s a pain in the arse. And as I was tossing around, unable to keep still for more than a few seconds with one or more of my limbs spasming involuntarily, I thought about drugs. How they would immediately switch this aggravation off like turning off a light. Boom. Gone.
But knowing what I know about the undisciplined manner with which I take drugs, the frantic, take it all before it’s all gone-ness of it, I know I’d end up ballsing up my sobriety and, only a few days in, that’s not something I even want to think about.
But what happens when, as it has, I am deep into multiple months of restlessness, lack of sleep and general despair. Will I be able to say the same then? Will I be able to distinguish the different miseries from one another? Will I have the resolve to convince myself that actually it does matter that I abstain from substance abuse for one, good nights sleep?
It’s hard, even now, to know how I’ll react. I know how I’d like to react. I’d like to think that my restless legs won’t plague me quite the way they have in the past.
And although being back on very few hours sleep is like meeting up with an old friend after a number of years, I’d like to be able to better navigate this hectic world without the constant weight of sleeplessness hanging around my neck, veering me off course unless I’m paying 1,000,000,000% attention at all times.
Anyway, I feel like I’ve strayed off a tangent, off of another tangent, off yet another tangent.
Maybe all this is linked to me detoxing.
We’ll see.
Nighty night.