It’s been nearly two days (I think) since I stopped taking handfuls of painkillers at a time just to get through the day. I feel good and I feel bad. I feel good that, finally, I have some breathing space where I can give it up without being sick in front of people and bad that I feel bad. Sick, tired etc.
But it had to happen. Since my job ended, I’ve been dedicating my time to flattening out my feelings. And my preferred method has been with piles of painkillers (co-codomol). I had my routine, my special way of removing my anxiety so that for a brief time, I could be like a robot. And I’d convinced myself (without really believing it) that I needed the stuff so that I could fill out job applications without feeling the terrible weight of expectation from fuck knows where.
I don’t know if I had a ‘eureka’ moment. It was more a case of feeling my guts churning, my face swelling and my weight dropping off that made me think that something was amiss. That and my moods became unstable. My patience (which has never been my strong suit) was thin as an insect wing.
I’d had enough.
Fine, but how was I going to stop?
At the moment, I’m going cold turkey. It’s been the only way I’ve known. Yes, it’s terrifying; you paralyse yourself to being able in any way to cope with life, but I’m just hoping I don’t have any burglars to fight off in the next week or so.
I’m going to record the podcast later because I think it might be good to hear these thoughts as they happen – I’m right in the middle of a tricky, sick stage of detox wherein there are, occasionally, glimpses of the kinds of helpful thought processes that might help keep this addict sober.
2 days in…again.
But I hope that this time, my commitment will be backed up by my growing sense of self-respect. And this coming from a person who has ‘been there, done that’ as a self hater.
Recovery is within reach. All that’s stopping it is my beliefs. Those old, irrelevant thoughts from fuck knows where, that have germinated into psychological weapons of mass destruction.
And although this is only day 2, it’s one that I’ve lived through without the need for additional, chemical additives. This, on its own, is an expression of self-respect.
Stay tuned.
Check out the podcast later.
Toodle-oo.
Addict Lines 